Some of the most underrated things in life include the smell of freshly washed bed sheets, the pastel rainbow after a mid-afternoon sun shower, blanket cocoons, comfortable silences, and anal. I am not afraid to admit the fact that I genuinely enjoy anal. I am a true “up-the-butt” girl, but there is nothing more horrifying than the thought of taking a visit to the emergency room and attempting to illustrate how a sparkling blue butt plug has disappeared into abyss of your bum.
Anal sex is one of those hush-hush exploits that has been misrepresented as distasteful, uncomfortable or dirty, but there is truly nothing better than good anal sex. Keyword: good. The warmth, the intimate vulnerability, the slippery sliding sensations of a tongue at the opening of the anal canal.
Regardless of your gender, there are a great deal of sensitive nerve endings in your backside that can yield intense pleasure and some of the fiercest orgasms you can ever experience.
Your butt is one of those under-recognized erogenous zones like the inside of your arms and inner wrist. The next time you are being intimate with your favorite human, lightly trail the tip of your tongue along your partner’s inner arm, down to their wrist and watch the way their body responds to the sensual stimulation. The inner arms are one of my favorite areas of my body to be kissed and fondled, but that is beside the point.
I started experimenting with anal during my very first long-term relationship when I was about 19 years old. Fact: I was completely and utterly turned off. It felt like taking a backward poop, which I hear often, actually. It was painful, I lost a little bit of my dignity with every queef, it was awkward and the idea of getting even the smallest smudge of caca on another body part was too much to bear. As I grew older, I began exploring anal with me, myself and I, which I highly recommend, especially for newcomers. I kept a jar of organic coconut oil in my bedroom, purchased a medley of small insertables, vibrators and plugs, and played with myself in the comfort of my own environment. It allowed me to remain calm, unabashed and be entirely at ease with my unpredictable bodily functions. This is when I discovered just how much arousal and fulfillment I was capable of feeling. If I could tell you one thing, it is that it gets better every single time.
Now, as I have become more confident in my skin and understand the true value of communicating freely about my sexual desires, I always incorporate anal into my established relationships. I have furthered my exploration and have encountered some of the most indescribable orgasms of my life. But with deep exploration (no pun intended, really) comes those cringing moments that will forever burn in your memory like lube-less butt sex.
About four years ago, my ex fiancé and I were dipping our toes in the idea of double penetration—something I had always been intrigued by because what now? I can do all the vagina things and all the butt things, all at the same time? Yes, please. I ventured to The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood on the hunt for a shiny new toy, browsing the chock-full shelves for anal amateurs and prostate pros—vibrating plugs, designer dildos, massagers and anal beads.
Then, I found the son-of-a-bitch. My gaze locked in with the most adorable sparkling blue plug. It was itty-bitty, soft and squishy. And it sparkled.
That evening I grabbed the jar of coconut oil, lubed the plug and slid it upwards into my butt with ease. My partner and I engaged in passionate foreplay—ravishing one another, tasting one another, adoring one another—two lovers lost in the heat of electrifying euphoria. I laid onto my back and placed my quivering legs above his shoulders as he leaned in to meet my salivating lips.
“I’m ready,” I said. He smiled and gently pressed himself between my thighs. I could feel all of his being penetrating against the sparkling blue butt plug perfectly positioned inside of me. I relished in deep breaths as the sensations became stronger and the feelings became fuller. Our movements were fiery and energetic and breathless—continually shifting into an unspoken language and steady rhythm. And then it happened. I felt something strange, something sudden, something sharp and unfamiliar in the lower area of my back.
“Wait. Wait, stop,” I said.
“What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yes. Wait, hang on. Let me take this out for a minute,” I said, reaching between my cheeks for the two flimsy flaps at the base of the plug.
“Wait. Babe, do you see it?”
“Oh, no actually. Did it fall out?”
“How would it just fall out? Seriously. What in the actual fuck? Where is it?” I fell into a state of dreadful panic as he searched beneath the damp and tangled bed sheets barely clinging to the distressed mattress.
“Babe, I don’t see it,” he said. Oh my God, I thought. My butthole ate the butt plug. I repositioned my body onto my hands and knees like a lost puppy and looked back at him in desperation. “Please, help me.”
“Okay, tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know, just shove your fingers in there, grab a flap and get it the fuck out of me.” He inserted one finger, then two, gently feeling around for the sparkling silicone wedged inside the depths of my anal cavity. Nothing.
“I don’t feel anything,” he said. He continued his efforts until I began to cry out of fear and fell into a sudden uncontrollable laughter. I was sweating. I was in a state of complete bewilderment. This cannot be happening. What if I have to go to the emergency room? What if I have to try and explain this scenario to a tall, dark and handsome doctor? What if I have to get it surgically removed? Wait, I don’t have insurance and I still live at home. I have to call my parents. Fuck me, I have to call my parents. My dad, my poor dad. No. NO. Breathe damnit. We stopped for a moment, laid beside one another and cackled at what had happen for almost ten full minutes. Then the urgency of the situation hit me.
“Babe. Listen to me. This needs to come out. I don’t care how, but it just needs to happen,” I said. “Please forgive me if I shit on your sheets. I love you.” I repositioned myself onto my hands and knees for a second time and began to push like I was preparing to give birth, but to a sparkling blue butt plug, from my exhausted rear end. I reached around and inserted three fingers into myself, extending and feeling and fighting for the corner of a flap. I was almost there.
“Okay, I think I feel it,” I said. “But I can’t push and reach for it at the same time. My body is starting to tense up. I’ll push and you pull it out.”
“I am going to try really hard not to hurt you, I promise,” he said.
“For the love of the Universe, just do it!” He reached inside with two fingers, then a third, stretching and feeling and fighting for the corner of a flap. I couldn’t believe what was happening and my laughter became unmanageable.
“Jesus babe, stop laughing!” he said, trying to hold in his own laughter and focusing in on the situation that had developed before us. “Wait! Don’t move, I got it!” I could feel the plug slowly alternating back into alignment as he twisted and tugged. I continued to push.
“Oh my God, I see the head!” he screamed, this time releasing his withheld tittering.
“I hate you,” I said, flinching at the unpleasant sensations. Gradually, but surely, the plug started to make its way toward the surface and popped out onto the floor below us. I rolled over in relief, still sobbing and giggling, cursing at the once innocent plug shining brilliantly upon the shaggy grey carpet. Here’s the thing about anal: it always yields the most ludicrous memories, but I can say with full confidence that it is worth the adventures. Just remember, when exploring your body with a partner in a new way, take your time, be safe and communicate with care. If done with mindfulness, anal play and penetration can be incredibly liberating. It can enhance your foreplay, elevate your already delicious sex life, lead to greater intimacy and even greater orgasms.
But also, fuck butt plugs.