Some of the most underrated things in life include the smell of freshly washed bed sheets, the pastel rainbow after a mid-afternoon sun shower, blanket cocoons, comfortable silences, and anal. I am not afraid to admit the fact that I genuinely enjoy anal. I am a true “up-the-butt” girl, but there was nothing more horrifying than the thought of taking a visit to the emergency room and attempting to explain how a sparkling blue butt plug has disappeared into abyss of my bum.
Anal sex is one of those hush-hush exploits that has been misrepresented as distasteful and uncomfortable, but really good anal sex is so incredibly satisfying—the warmth and vulnerability, the slippery sliding sensations of a tongue at the opening of your anal canal.
Regardless of your gender, there are a great deal of sensitive nerve endings in your backside that can yield intense pleasure and some of the fiercest orgasms you can ever experience.
Your butt is one of those under-recognized erogenous zones like the inside of your arms and the backs of your knees. The next time you are being intimate with your favorite human, lightly trail the tip of your tongue along your partner’s inner arm, kiss the hough of their knee, and watch the way their body responds to the sensual stimulation. The inner arms are one of my favorite areas of my body to be kissed, but that is beside the point.
I started experimenting with anal during my very first long-term relationship when I was about 19 years old. Fun Fact: I was completely and utterly turned off. It felt like I was taking a backward shit. I lost a little bit of my dignity with every queef. It was painful. And the idea of getting even the smallest smudge of caca on another body part was too much to bear. As I grew older, I began my solo exploration of anal, which I highly recommend to the booty virgins out there. I kept a jar of organic coconut oil in my bedroom, purchased a medley of small insertables—vibrators, inflatable plugs, glass dildos—and played with myself in the comfort of my own environment. It allowed me to remain calm, unabashed, and entirely at ease with my unpredictable bodily functions. This was the when when I discovered just how much arousal and fulfillment I was capable of feeling. If I could tell you one thing, it is that anal gets better every single time.
As I have learned to lean into my sexual energy and have experienced the vast fulfillment that stems from communicating vulnerability, I always strive to slip anal into my established relationships. It has allowed me to receive some of the most indescribable orgasms of my life and really draws out the submissive in me. But with deep exploration (no pun intended) comes those cringing moments that will forever burn in your memory like lube-less butt sex.
About four years ago, my ex fiancé and I were dipping our toes in the idea of double penetration—something I had always been intrigued by because what now? I can do all the vagina things and all the butt things, all at the same time? Yes, please. I ventured to The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood to seek out a shiny new toy and browsed the chock-full shelves for anal amateurs and prostate pros—vibrating plugs, designer dildos, massagers, and anal beads.
Then, I found the son-of-a-bitch. My gaze locked in with the most adorable sparkling blue plug. It was itty-bitty and soft and squishy. And it sparkled.
That evening, I grabbed the jar of coconut oil, lubed the plug, and slid it upwards into my butt with ease. My partner and I engaged in passionate foreplay—ravishing one another, tasting one another, adoring one another—two lovers lost in the heat of electrifying euphoria. I rolled over onto my back and placed my quivering legs above his shoulders. He leaned in to meet my salivating lips as I told him I was ready. He smiled and gently pressed himself between my thighs. I could feel all of his being penetrating against the sparkling blue butt plug that was perfectly positioned inside of me. I relished in deep breaths as the sensations became stronger and the feelings became fuller. Our movements were fiery and energetic and breathless—continually shifting into an unspoken language and steady rhythm. And then it happened. I felt something strange—something sudden and sharp in the lower area of my back.
“Wait. Wait, stop,” I said.
“What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yes. Hold on. Let me take this out for a minute.” I reached between my cheeks for the two flimsy flaps at the base of the plug.
“Wait. Babe, do you see it?”
“Oh, no, I don’t. Did it fall out?”
“How would it just fall out?” Seriously. What in the actual fuck? Where is it? I quickly fell into a state of panic as he searched beneath the damp and tangled bed sheets barely clinging to the distressed mattress. He looked at me with dread in his eyes.
“Babe, I don’t see it,” he said. Oh my God. My butthole ate the butt plug. I repositioned my body, crawled out on all fours like a lost puppy, and looked back at him in desperation. Please, for the love of God, help me.
“Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know. Just get your fingers in there, grab a flap, and get it the fuck out of me.” He inserted one finger and then two—gently feeling around for the sparkling silicone wedged inside the depths of my anal cavity. Nothing.
He told me he couldn’t feel anything and continued his efforts. I turned over on my back and began to cry until my tears turned into swift and uncontrollable laughter. I was sweating and dumbfounded by what was happening. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. No. What if I have to go to the emergency room? What if I have to try and explain this scenario to a grey-haired doctor? What if I have to get it surgically removed? Wait, I don’t have insurance. I have to call my parents. Fuck me, I have to call my parents. My dad, my poor dad. No. Breathe damnit. We stopped for a moment, laid beside one another, and cackled at our predicament for almost ten straight minutes. Then the urgency of the situation hit me.
“Babe. Listen to me,” I said. “This needs to come out right now. I don’t care how, but it needs to happen. Please forgive me if I shit on your sheets. I love you.” I repositioned myself onto my hands and knees for a second time and began to push like I was giving birth, but to a sparkling blue butt plug, from my exhausted rear end. I reached around and inserted three fingers into myself. I extended further. I felt around and fought for the corner of a flap. I was almost there.
“I can’t push and reach for it at the same time. My body is starting to tense up. I’ll push and you pull it out.”
“I am going to try really hard not to hurt you,” he said.
“I don’t care. Just get it out!” I yelled. He reached inside of me with two fingers and then a third. He stretched and felt and fought for the corner of a flap. My laughter became unmanageable.
“Jesus babe, stop laughing!” He tried to hold in his own laughter and focused on the situation that had developed before us. “Wait! Don’t move. I got it!” I could feel the plug slowly alternating back into alignment as he twisted and tugged. I continued to push and groaned at the unpleasant sensations until the plug gradually made its way to the surface and popped out onto the floor below us. I rolled over in relief, still sobbing and giggling, cursing at the once innocent plug shining brilliantly upon the shaggy grey carpet.
Here’s the thing about anal: sometimes it yields the most humiliating kinds of memories, but I can say with full confidence that it is worth the adventures. Just remember, when exploring your body with a partner, be sure to take your time, be safe, and communicate with care. If done with mindfulness, anal play and penetration can be incredibly liberating. It can enhance your foreplay, elevate your already delicious sex life, and lead to some of the most pleasurable orgasms of your life.
But also, fuck butt plugs.