Yes, Daddy: Defining Daddy & Unconditional Love

“She was exactly what he wanted her to be: herself.”

To define unconditional love is to simply love without conditions, to love selflessly, to love without expectations. I have never known unconditional love until meeting a beautiful human I am lucky to call a partner and Daddy.

It’s funny, when I began my journey into this world of debauchery and lust, I never thought for a second I would call anyone Daddy. It was out of bounds for me and saying the word aloud as a 34-year-old woman brought forward feelings of discomfort and awkwardness. I never even called my actual father by that name. When I was a little girl, I called him “Baba”, a Middle Eastern word meaning father and a term of endearment. Now, it’s simply, Dad, unless I’ve had one too many glasses of wine and ask Daddy, I mean Dad, for fucks sake D-A-D, to please pass the asparagus at the dinner table. True story.

To me, the term “Daddy” made me feel uneasy because I had the assumption that in order to call someone Daddy, I had to be the little girl. I was attaching the word solely to the DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) community—assuming a paternal figure and age play—and that didn’t spark an interest in me. I thought to myself, I am strong, I value my independence, I can care for myself. I am not a child. I’m a brat, but not a child. As I have become more educated in various elements of BDSM and have gotten to know myself more intimately, I realized two things: never assume and calling a partner Daddy has a universal significance that is more beautiful than I ever imagined.

I felt inspired to write about this subject because over the last few months I have shared some of the most intimate parts of myself with this human and have felt nothing but safe, nothing but love, nothing but pure and utter truth and for that, I am grateful. It is a dynamic I have made an effort to keep private because this man is more than content and I don’t want what we have to become fetishized or tarnished by likes, comments, or fire emojis. I am sharing these words because many people have asked me about our dynamic when I post subtle stories about his kind gestures or our play together, and I think there are aspects to it that are important to voice.

The Misconception

As I noted above, DD/lg is an acronym for Daddy Dom/little girl, and while I do not define the dynamic I have as such, I wanted to shed some light on the subject because it’s something I really enjoyed learning about. For starters, DD/lg is a fetish and small group of the BDSM community where the Daddy is the Dominant figure and the little girl or baby girl is the submissive. Other terms in this subcategory include CG/l, meaning Caregiver/little or MD/lb and MD/lg meaning Mommy Domme little boy or Mommy Domme little girl.

There is a misconception that these types of dynamics condone incest or pedophilia, but this is the furthest thing from the truth. It is consensual play between two adults that revolves around kindness, love, and guidance.

Again, every partnership varies. Some may include age play where the submissive fully shares their inner child as a young girl or boy, teddy bears, and bedtime stories, while other dynamics may include the more habitual aspects of a D/s dynamic, but embrace the more nurturing or gentler side of a Dominant. There are so many variations to kinks and each title holds a different meaning for each individual. It is so important to be mindful of this. To me, the term “Daddy” is simply another title for a Dominant.

Defining Daddy

There are many universal characteristics of a Daddy Dominant, but for me, he is a protector, an educator, a mentor, a lover, a friend, and a supporter. He knows you better than you know yourself. He believes in you more than yourself. He knows every single flaw you possess and cares for you anyway. He is the embodiment of unconditional love.

Calling my partner Daddy came very naturally. It was never something I thought about when we first met, but subconsciously I knew I wanted a similar connection. As the dynamic developed from a 12-course meal and one mistimed first kiss to his hands around my throat, the word “Daddy” released from my lips effortlessly and comfortably. He is a solid support system and sees me for exactly who I am. He encourages my professional, sexual, and emotional growth. He is the calm to my storm. He frees me from anxiety and does everything in the world to watch me smile. He is someone who will listen to me cry for two hours about my body dysmorphia or stash a jar of coconut oil in his hotel room because I want his entire hand on a Monday.

He is an incredibly strong force in my life, and I am starting to fall in love with the woman I am becoming because of him.

Reciprocicy

Aside from being a non monogamous partnership, I think one of my favorite things about this dynamic is the fact that just because I consider him to be the Dominant one doesn’t mean it remains that way. Trust, growth, and consent are some of the most vital components to a thriving and balanced D/s partnership. There is a mutual respect and openness, healthy boundaries, and ongoing communication. While I’m a natural brat with a dark sense of humor and sadistic tendencies, switching was bound to happen, and this dynamic pulled it right out of me.

I have been and will probably always be primarily submissive, but I am very energy driven and the power exchange happens artlessly. At first, I found it challenging to switch on my partner, especially after he had already established that dominance, but our constant exchange of words and sexual curiosity unraveled fiercely. Some days I crave face slapping and other days I prefer to lie on top of him while he is helplessly restrained in a bondage bag and latex hood. But I always call him “Daddy” during play, during check-ins, or when I am sarcastically apologizing for striking him a third time with a cane. “Oops, was that the same place again? I am terribly sorry, Daddy.”

The most imperative message here is the fact that he allows me to be exactly who I am, with or without him at my side. Not all dynamics are alike, but just because you are primarily a bottom, a Top, a submissive, or Dominant, it doesn’t mean it’s your forever role. Communicate openly with your partner, don’t be afraid to share your desires or curiosities even when they extend outside of your relationship, and most importantly, explore together safely and freely.

Feel the Feels

There have been times within my dynamic—especially during play—where I find myself delving into a different head space and experiencing new feelings that I am not used to. The exploration of this dynamic has been both passionate and reflective, and I’ll admit, sometimes I start to feel little.

There are particular types of play that trigger this feeling—fisting, heavy sensory deprivation, switching, and elongated breath + asphyxiation play. The intensity of these types of activities are definitely a factor here, but I have found it very fascinating. I can be left feeling very little and child-like—wanting to curl up into a ball, nuzzle my head against my partner’s chest, and hear his voice narrate my favorite fiction.

At first, this feeling made me feel a little uneasy because it was something I had never experienced before, but I think that is the beauty of this world. Play brings forth so many varying emotions, reactions, and sensations. It teaches us about our minds, our body chemistry, about our intimate connections with other humans. It can inspire, bring about spiritual significance, sexual arousal, and a dream-like subspace that allows us to feel free.

If there is anything I have learned thus far, it is that we should always be conscious of our feelings, our emotions, and how those translate from play to the real world. Remember to give yourself time to reflect after a scene, use a journal as a safe place to write about your experiences or new interests, be kind to yourself and above all, be you—nothing more, nothing less.